Maybe marriage is just not worth the inconvenience.
As we all know there are inconveniences that crop up. One can always decide to get rid of the relationship - many do it all the time - and even though it might mean a better looking toothpaste tube, it also means you are without the person who knows all that you are and loves you anyhow.
Little side note is really important right about now - my wife always gets mad when she hears a sermon on marriage or divorce and they forget to mention this part -- if you are being devalued, or hurt physically or emotionally, it's time, right now, to consider some healthier alternatives. It is important that you feel worth, safe, supported and valued.There is a flaw that can sneak up on you - security. Security ends up becoming comfort and comfort makes us lazy. Because relationships take work, the getting lazy part because a huge reason and the driver that move marriages into divorce.
There are many little flaws that do the same thing. A latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us or when working is the only time we can relax. It might be difficult to be intimate after sex or simply clamming up in response to humiliation. We are all flawed. The transition from dating - where we rarely dive into deeper issues and if a flaw or two seem to get exposed we call it a day and move on. Friends rarely care enough to to the hard work of pointing out those flaws. If you have noticed by now, and you should, the joys of being alone is the very sincere impression that we are quite easy to live with.
If we discussed the flaw that involves our fear of being alone then we really understand how we can be messed up. The statements that say we are getting too old or its too late to find the love of my life indicate that we are more interested and prioritize the need to be in a relationship over having a quality relationship. We should love someone who is independent and love what they do and who they are and are looking for someone to walk with them on the journey.
We know that when we were single we were happy with lower quality relationships and had lower standards - any relationship is better than none at all. But then again, we also know that if we carried this into our marriage then we are just as depressed and lonely as when we were single.
Given our deep seated need to be socially connected, it's obvious that we look for intimate relationships. But if fear is our driving factor moving our romantic decisions, then it leads to poor judgments, the relationships may not last, we become depressed and it leaves us a bit open to abuse.
Yes, we alone are responsible for having the relationship we want and ultimately, what we have. To get the relationship that we want we have to get it, dig deep, maybe with some bravery of some kind or even some audacity. I have read that when the passion seems to be almost totally dead that this gives the greatest possibility of light and hope into the marriage. We pick ourselves up, speak up for our deepest needs and start to feel authentic again. If this does not happen, then everyone will be our wrong partner.
When my wife and I started counselling together, we both brought our flaws to the table. We both saw what what brought to the marriage and began to understand the impact they had on both of us. There was no magic in marriage and we made peace with the fact that there was going to be a lot of hard work with a little bit of magic thrown in.
Does the sum of the two of you in a relationship equal to more or less than two - does the relationship make both of you better or worse?
Getting married has no power to keep a relationship. It has no value in of itself to produce the ingredients to give us happiness. Marriage only moves the relationship into new spheres - suburban house, kids, long commute - the only consistent factor will be your partner.
