Not interested in being realistic

As I write these posts I have two things in mind - my own marriage following a 10-week course where we followed Paul Tripp's book, What did you Expect? and my own daughter's wedding coming up in a few months.

As she went to premarital counselling I could not come up with a realistic expectation for her to discuss. So here are a few of my thoughts.

I changed the word expectation to perspective - hope this works for us.

Paul Tripp being interviewed gave these three --

• First, you are conducting your marriage in a fallen world. This means we all face the same thing and your marriage will be touched every day by the brokenness of our world.

• Second, you are married to a sinner. We just don’t get to be married to someone perfect. Your life will be affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you are living with. And at some point you will sin against your spouse.

• Finally, you must remember that God is with you. You are not alone in your struggle. Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources.

 It is realistic to expect someone in a marriage whose needs are not being met to do two things - go without and suffer or get their needs met somewhere else - it is not realistic or even healthy to expect your spouse to meet all of your needs.

For old-timers like me, I should be taking a proactive stand when I see relationships portraying themselves in an unrealistic light.  I need to wonder out loud why a couple married for 10 years needs to act like they are madly in love every single moment. If I am going to wonder out loud, I might as well comment out loud too and ask to see the highlight reel of some of their ups and downs.

I remember arguing, debating and pleading with my wife to have my expectations met - as unrealistic as they were

One last thought - from my perspective - you have had a really bad day and you want me to say or do the perfect, world-fixing thing that I have become famous for when we were first dating and the first years of our marriage. Unfortunately, I cannot magically sweet-talk your problems or bad moods away. It is time to manage your own expectations. If you push me too much, you will be disappointed. If I do not talk you off your stressed-out ledge it is because I have even more stress on my own plate. Our marriage has gone through phases - where you are stressed out, where I am overloaded with work obligations, family responsibilities, bills and more. I am not wired to tell you where I am with all of this. I tend to shut down. So instead of snapping because I cannot read your mind, try to remember that my day did not go so well either. Then we can hold each other, work together and end our day in peace.